You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
