I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
