I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
