Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
