She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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