I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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