we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
