my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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