I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
