Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
