I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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