I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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