turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
