I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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