Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Send help, water and tortillas.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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