my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
