I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
