he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
