On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
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