I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
