God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
