My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
