Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
