R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
