Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
