I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
