the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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