i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
