Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
