My sheets look like a crime scene.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
