I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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