When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
