so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
