OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize