So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
