Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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