you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just gargled with NyQuil
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
