you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
