I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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