stop calling my apartment porn island.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm like, not good at living.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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