I want to make a zoo with you.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
