apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
