My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
