We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
