I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
