oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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