Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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