I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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