you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
