When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
