hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
