Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
