I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
