The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
