My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize