Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Randomize
