you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
