you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
